Fortunes! (again)

Hello Squarbzoids of Omagotron! Wait...let me get into weird mysterious form...

Ah, welcome vivacious readers of this blog, this Psychic Pinky. Psychic Pinky will delve into the deepest parts of your mind and tell you your fortune. Wait...Psychic Pinky is hearing the spirits calling to her! Yes, they wish Psychic Pinky to tell you your fortune to your star sign. Ah, yes, she sees! Well, Psychic Pinky's little guest, do you know your star signs? Hmm...just in case, Psychic Pinky wishes you to check this chart on this post...

Now Psychic Pinky has the secrets of your future....

Aries: Oh no child! Terror and doom rocks your path! Psychic Pinky only see one chance of hope...YES! You must watch a Pirates of the Caribbean movie!

Taurus: Oh, oh! You are a comedian, are you? Yes! Psychic Pinky sees you causing your peers to laugh...How wonderful!

Gemini: Tsk, tsk, Psychic Pinky sees great catastrophes...you naughty, mischievous child!

Cancer: My, my don't you get worked up. What Psychic Pinky sees is very plain-frustration throughout.

Leo: Yes! Yes! Burrowing into your sign fills Psychic Pinky with joy! She see great happiness!!

Virgo: I see...hmm...Psychic Pinky suggests you eat ice unless you want to die in the next two years...yes, please do child!
Libra: A song is coming to Psychic Pinky...listen carefully......The hills are alive! OH! The hills are alive! And I feel so alive in these hills! Oh and....Did you listen? Good, good. Sing this!

Scorpio: You see snow? Uh oh, bad omen....watch out, brave warrior.

Sagittarius: Keep your eyes closed when you laugh. It is the only way!

Capricorn: Possible deaths: Old age, older age, oldest age. Possible pains within the month: toe stubs, paper cuts...

Aquarius: OH NO! PLEASE...PLEASE...NO! SOMEONE HELP PSYCHIC PINKY! PL-NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pisces: Psychic Pinky is unavailable. Still recovering from Aquarius. Um...calculating...eat fruits and vegetables...That will have to do.